She Completes Me

Over the last few days I have battled with a deep sense of despair, a feeling of darkness, a weight on my heart that felt like a thousand chariots pulling me in different directions. It was a feeling that felt like my heart and soul were being hung drawn and quartered.

Unlike most people, I live life as a open book and therefore have no reservations about sharing the source of my pain and anguish. The truth is though I am a happily married man I still battle with many insecurities that stem from my youth.

Being a skinny guy growing up, I've always been self conscious wishing that I had a bigger frame, the Adonis frame like those of cartoon idols like He-man, Lion-o etc (don't judge me, its all I had to relate to at that age). Don't get me wrong, over the years I have come to appreciate my body but like most people I still have my times when I am feeling sorry for myself. To top this off, I also have my emotional and psychological insecurities to deal with.

Being raised in the church from a young age, I was always taught that sex comes after marriage so while my peers got their rocks off so to speak, I lived with an intense urge to do the same; but a fear that it was displeasing to God (which I can't complain about) and also a fear that if I did I would get the girl pregnant and then would have some sort of tie with her for the rest of my life. The latter scared me to death and I think it was probably the main reason I kept it in my pants!
So, when faced with this sort of challenge what does a teenage boy do? You guessed it, I turned to pornography and developed an addiction to it that followed me well into my adult years and into my marriage. It came with guilt, disgust, self loathing, self hatred, shame and fear. These are my demons, these are the insecurities are the scars I carry and the battle I face constantly.

My feeling of despair came from a single thought, the thought that my wife of 10 years will one day lose interest in me. The thought that the woman that I have been with for almost 17 years, a woman who, later this year, I will have known for half of my life will one day decide that she can't deal with my battle with myself and will want out.
That feeling ripped through me like 1000 volts of electricity and it tore me apart. It left me spiralling down considering all the possible scenarios, the conversations, the impact on the children, how I would begin to rebuild my life etc. Needless to say, I was over thinking the whole thing but isn't that how it starts? In the same way that the bible says with faith like a mustard seed we can move mountains (Matt 17:20) I believe that a seed of doubt that is planted can grow into a mighty tree with many branches and deep roots.

My seed of doubt had me thinking that this woman who has been with me through thick and thin, who has fought by my side, comforted me when I cried, prayed with me, bore children for me and put her trust in me and submitted herself to me would forsake me. The woman who knows my deepest fears, the woman who knows my shame and has loved me through it all, the woman who encouraged me to stand up for myself in life and fight for the things I want, the woman who supports all my dreams and makes me believe that I can do everything I set my mind to, the woman who truly completes me.

Being the woman that she is, she noticed a change in my behaviour and she gave me a little space before coming to talk to me and find out what was bothering me. When I relayed to her how I felt, my sense of feeling unattractive, feeling as though my past experiences with pornography had tainted me, left me feeling as though I was perverted, feeling ashamed of my past, scared that these feelings left me worried that I would fail as a husband and a father ultimately resulting in me losing her and the children, she held me and reminded me that she loved me, she was still attracted to me and she said she was proud of me. She said, lets take these things to God in prayer and she apologised for not telling me these things more often.

So why do I say she completes me, well she looks at everything that I look at negatively in a completely different light. My history with pornography that spanned 2 decades left me broken but with her support and the grace of God I am learning that my experience has not destroyed me, instead it is helping me to speak out to other men, fathers and husbands who are still struggling with pornography. She was not pleased by my confession but she was not disgusted, she did not hit the roof, she wanted to understand how it began, when I felt most vulnerable, how often and why. She acted with compassion and love.
She sees me a being brave because I was willing to be vulnerable and expose my secret to her and to anyone who my story can help to overcome their addiction. She completes me because she takes my fears and she helps me to see past them. When I am at my lowest, she is there to pick me up and remind me of who I am and where I am going. She is always concerned about the part she plays in my confidence, my state of being and my happiness.

During my daily reading, I revisited Proverbs 31 and there were parts that described exactly how I feel about my wife's character. Verse 10 to 12 says:
"Her husband can trust her, and she will greatly enrich his life. She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life."
Verse 26 to 29 says:
"When she speaks her words are wise, and she gives instruction with kindness. She carefully watches everything in her household and suffers nothing from laziness. Her children stand and bless her. Her husband praises her: there are many virtuous and capable women in the world but you surpass them all! "

The actions of my wife in my time of despair show me that she is a woman of virtue. She shows concern for her household and spends time fasting and praying for her family. She sacrifices daily so that I can pursue my career and so our daughters can experience the best childhood possible. She puts the needs of others before her own needs. A trait which makes her extremely attractive and sexy in my eyes.

A successful Christian marriage honours and praises God. It is a true reflection of trinity. 3 becoming 1 as part of a covenant. a 3 strand chord that cannot be broken easily. Success comes from a willingness to be open with each other, being truly vulnerable to each other and loving each other unconditionally. My wife proves to me constantly how much she loves my by accepting my past failings and encouraging me that even if I have blips in my victory, she will be there to pick me up and help me find my way back. Her actions in turn make me love her more, wanting to be the best I can be for her, wanting to give her everything she deserves and more, wanting to be the best provider I can be and wanting to truly exemplify a biblical love for her that surpasses human understanding.

I guess the main reason she completes me is because she has a relationship with our mutual mediator. She takes things to God and is willing to seek a biblical perspective to the challenges we face. She seeks to communicate with me no matter how difficult the situation or how immature I am behaving (I am a work in progress).

My hope is that every man will be as fortunate as I am to find that person that was created to complete him. Don't settle for the things that this world gives; instead dare to want more and look for the person God has fashioned for you. Look for that woman who knows you inside out, the woman who knows what you are saying even when you are silent, the woman who will protect and care for you at your lowest points, the woman you would do anything for, the woman you want to give everything to and who wants to give everything to you.

For those out there who are yet to find a life partner, I will leave you with this, Proverbs 31:30 - 31:
"Charm is deceptive, and beauty does not last; but a woman who fears the Lord will be greatly praised. Reward her for all she has done. Let her deeds publicly declare her praise."