Marriage - God's Original Plan

I believe that God has an intention for everything. God is not random or sporadic, that is a trait that can only attributed to human beings. With this in mind I wanted to start this journey into the world of marriage by looking at it right from the beginning, the first couple in the bible and the first husband and wife. The first couple that were unique and special, having no human father or mother but being the man being created from the dust of the earth and his wife from him. Going back to this original root will give us insight into God’s original intention for this institution that is called marriage.

To set the scene, God had created many creatures and presented them to the man to see what he would call them, now this was not God testing the waters to see if he could make something that was compatible to man, he was creating the beasts and creatures of the earth and allowing the man to name them thus giving him dominion over them as was the original plan of God. When it came to making the man a suitable mate/helper, God did not go back to the dust from which he made man, he went to the man that he had made and took out a part of him and made woman from this part of the man. I find this to be a very significant act. Starting with God’s intent, he sought to make the man a suitable helper (Genesis 2:18). I think the translation into English loses the beauty of the text and the richness of what God was doing here. The phrase translated to ‘suitable helper’ is ‘ezer neged’. Ezer means one who helps, succor (a person or thing that brings help, relief, aid or assistance). Neged is from the root word nagad which means to tell, to declare or to make known. When you look at the meaning of these two words you find that ‘suitable helper’ does not do justice to the text. Ezer is a word that contextually is always used in reference to the help from God; for example the name Eliezer means God is my help and every other use of the word ezer expresses God helping the nation of Israel or someone declaring that their help is from God. So looking at this phrase ‘ezer neged’ I can only infer that God created the woman as someone who would make it known that his/their help is from God. Someone who will proclaim and declare with him that God is their help. To me that sounds like an amazing role for this woman that God has created. It does not incite subordination or express a lower, servant or secondary role in the relationship. God made man in his image and as he took woman out of man it is fair to say that woman was made in the image of God. I put to you that God is not shallow and fickle like humans are and would therefore not favor one image of himself over another. To be honest, there is no text in the bible that places a woman in a lesser role to a man, that is our own doing and it is something I perceive to be done by insecure and weak men. People tend to quote Ephesians 5:22-23 but they fail to continue reading 24 - 33. The rest of the text talks about how the wives are subject to their husbands as the church is subject to Christ. We as a church strive to be ‘Christ like’ that is what the definition of a Christian is. So naturally a woman strives to be like her husband. I know you may be wondering what that means; how can she be like a man? Men should be submitted unto God, so wives seeking to be like their husbands should also be submitted unto God. The scripture goes on to put a lot of responsibility on the man. Love your wife as Christ loves the church; this is a tough one. If you imagine what we as a church do to God, how we turn our back on him and how we ignore his leadership, take him for granted but yet he still loves us and calls us his own and by his name. To me this gives the woman liberty to commit a multitude of sin and we are expected to love her as Christ loves the church meaning we must be gracious, forgiving and love unconditionally. Now men out there will be thinking “how unfair” but lets remember, the earlier verses highlight that a woman should be subject to her husband as the church is to Christ and we concluded that as he strives to be like Christ, so should she. If she is submitted in this capacity her actions should be mimicking his and she should be gracious, forgiving and love unconditionally. It doesn't sound so bad now does it?

God’s original picture for marriage is an amazing one. One where the man and woman are in service to each other out of love and not any ordinary love, one that mirrors that agape love of Christ. To me, it is why our covenant is not a 2 person covenant. We need God in that covenant to allow us to show this love that we are called to show. Remembering that this is now a two way street, we are called to:

• Love each other as Christ loved the church and gave himself for it
• Sanctify, cleanse and wash each other  by the living water of the word of God
• Love each other like we love our own bodies

It says these are the reasons for which a man shall leave his mother and father and be joined to his wife and the two of them shall become one body.

Men, if you complain that your wife does not respect you, or uses you as a dogs body or treats you in a particular way, then I ask you; have you looked at how you treat her lately? Have you looked at your relationship with God? Women, the same question can be asked of you. God’s original plan for marriage is much more than what it has been reduced to in modern society.

Going back to Genesis, we see that God took a rib from the man and from this he fashioned woman.

Genesis 2:21 - So the Lord caused the man to fall into a deep sleep. While the man slept the Lord God to out one of the man’s ribs (tsela - pronounced tsay-law meaning side) and closed up the opening.

What is the function of the rib? Well the rib creates a protective cage around the vital organs of the thorax i.e. the lungs and the heart. The protective cage allows the lungs to expand thus facilitates breathing.

God could have picked any bone in Adam’s body but he went for this bone for a reason. I believe it was to demonstrate the responsibility of a wife (and a husband - remember we should mirror each other). The woman is created to protect the heart of her man, and to be at his side - not in front of him or behind him. She should be beside him because she was taken out of his side. Too often we see examples where a man dictates to a woman and attempts to stamp his authority on her. We also see the inverse of this where a man is subordinated by his woman and she stamps her authority on him. These are dysfunctional examples of marriage. That was not the original design and nor is it an appropriate alternative to the design. It causes nothing but pain and hurt in a relationship. It creates resentment and it does not reflect the picture of the trinity that marriage should. Allow me to paint a picture for you. Imagine a triangle, at the base there are 2 points and at the top there is one. No matter how you turn this triangle around that design remains factual and true. Well our marriage is that triangle; the man and the woman are the points at the base and God is the point at the top. The two base points are on the same level, none is higher than the other otherwise the triangle becomes unstable and at all times the point at the top is holding it together.

The rib cage is such a beautiful design and its function is something that can only be described as amazing. It expands and contracts in line with the lungs to keep them protected in the process of breathing. Breaking the ribs puts the lungs, the heart and fundamentally life at risk. That’s what a woman is to her man. His rib, she protects him as he performs his function. Breaking her would result in him being unable to function correctly and will result in a life lost, maybe not physically but I believe spiritually and emotionally.

The significance of that bone is expressed here:

Genesis 2:22 - 24 - Then the Lord God made woman from the rib and he brought her to the man. “At last!” the man exclaimed. “This one is bone of my bone and flesh from my flesh! She will be called ‘woman’ because she is taken from ‘man.’”

This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.

She is the part of him that was taken out and she is therefore required to complete him. Your wife is not a random person you just happen to be going through life with, she is that missing piece of the jigsaw. That bit of lego that you have been looking for so that you can complete the structure you were trying to build. She is that integral part that holds the structure together. Likewise for the woman, you are that part that was taken from a man and you need each other to be complete. I am not telling you to lose your individuality; that is what makes you you. I am telling you that you were made as a perfect fit for someone and that you should not settle for anything that doesn't feel like a fit. I am not telling you that marriage will be easy and perfect; I am saying that because you were designed to complete each other you will have the tools you need to work with each other and God to make your marriage successfully. Your marriage was designed to bear fruit in many forms (children, love, intimacy etc) but how can it do so if you are inadequately equipped to do so? Society has placed emphasis on things like sexual compatibility and financial stability and blah blah blah. That is what it all is; noise. God’s design is one of those simple things that works so well. A man, a woman and God working together to create something beautiful. Of course you need to be physically attracted to each other, but sex was the contract, that was sealing the deal so the notion of knowing that you are compatible prior to marriage is a misnomer. That is the beauty of marriage, you work at that throughout your marriage and talk and experiment with each other. You have a long life together so you have a lot of time to learn and get it to a point where you both derive pleasure. As long as your intent is for the pleasure of your spouse and not for your own selfish release, then you have a great springboard for an amazing sexual relationship within the safe confines of marriage.

I watched a program on National Geographic Discovery which explored sexual attraction and it proved that in today's society status, career and financial stability made a man more attractive. This was so extreme that a man that was originally rated a 2 on looks alone suddenly became a 10 when given the profile of a successful man. On the flip side, a man given a 9 on looks alone was downgraded to a 4 when he was given the profile of a retail assistant. This is proof that we have lost the plot when it comes to finding a suitable mate. That’s why I love God’s original intent for marriage in creating a suitable companion to declare that their help is from God. Our current approach leads to marriages where women are financially taken care of but emotionally, sexually, mentally and spiritually they are poor. A man has the most beautiful woman on his arm because he is financially stable, yet she is not attracted to him physically, he seeks refuge in all manners of escape from pornography to prostitution and alcohol. Their marriage is a sham and they are both unhappy, alone and dissatisfied with what they have in life. This is what marriage looks like in today’s society, not for everyone, but for a vast majority it is an unfulfilled area of their life which is the complete opposite of how it should be. Life should spring forth from your marriage and it should spill forth into every other area of your life. Your marriage and your home is your first ministry. I will boldly say that if your marriage and home is not working but you are in ministry, you need to take yourself out of ministry and take care of home. God has no desire for any marriage to fail; how can he? It is a picture of the trinity and a failed marriage is saying that the trinity can fail which I also boldly proclaim cannot ever happen. There is no shame in saying, I need to step down to sort my marriage and my home out. Your marriage and your home will teach a future generation how marriage should be, it is a soap box for marriage to those who are dating or single. Let’s understand the expectations on us from a biblical perspective. Do away with the foolish man made expectations of marriage and look back to the original design. Only in that picture will you find what God intended for you. Only then will you see what marriage was created to be and how you can truly be fulfilled in it.

I love the way that this is rounded up in Genesis 2:25 - Now, the man and his wife were both naked, but they felt no shame.

From the outset God lays out his blueprint for man and woman. A relationship of intimacy where two people are united to become one. I believe this speaks on nakedness on all possible levels in a marriage. Physically, spiritually, mentally and emotionally.

How many men and women can say that their spouse knows their deepest darkest fear? I mean this is something we don’t share with anyone but I believe we are supposed to share this with our spouse. The bible says we are united as one flesh so keeping something from your spouse is like keeping something from yourself. It’s not possible, unless you suffer some kind of emotional trauma and your mind locks a memory away. There is no way that anyone can knowingly keep something from themselves. The level of intimacy required in marriage is extensive and it takes a willingness to be truly vulnerable to do so. Once again I challenge you that if you have truly taken marriage on in the capacity that it was originally designed, then your vulnerability is like unto yourself. You and your spouse are one flesh and there should be no shame when facing yourself.

I make it a point to send my wife a message of how much I love her and cherish her each day. I text her about how she makes me feel and how intimate I desire to be with her. I lay it all on the line with her exposing my thoughts and my cares so I have nowhere to hide from her.  I want to be vulnerable and I want her to have the power to hurt me, not because I want to be hurt but because in trusting her with that power I demonstrate that I am giving my all to her and giving completely of who I am. I always tell people I am an open book and I do not hide a thing but I try and take this as far as possible with my wife because she is my rib, my missing jigsaw piece.

Today I challenge you to reassess your view of marriage, whether you are married already, dating or single. 

I am reminded of an email my sister sent me which says “marriage is not for you” and it truly isn't. Marriage is for your spouse because you were created to complete them. Take this view point of marriage and remember God’s original design for this wonderful institution. I will leave you with the email that I received from my sister as I believe the message is beautiful!

God bless!

Marriage Isn't For You

Having been married only a year and a half, I've recently come to the conclusion that marriage isn't for me.

Now before you start making assumptions, keep reading.

I met my wife in high school when we were 15 years old. We were friends for ten years until…until we decided no longer wanted to be just friends.  I strongly recommend that best friends fall in love. Good times will be had by all.

Nevertheless, falling in love with my best friend did not prevent me from having certain fears and anxieties about getting married. The nearer Kim and I approached the decision to marry, the more I was filled with a paralyzing fear. Was I ready? Was I making the right choice? Was Kim the right person to marry? Would she make me happy?

Then, one fateful night, I shared these thoughts and concerns with my dad.

Perhaps each of us have moments in our lives when it feels like time slows down or the air becomes still and everything around us seems to draw in, marking that moment as one we will never forget.

My dad giving his response to my concerns was such a moment for me. With a knowing smile he said, “Seth, you’re being totally selfish. So I’m going to make this really simple: marriage isn't for you. You don’t marry to make yourself happy, you marry to make someone else happy. More than that, your marriage isn't for yourself, you’re marrying for a family. Not just for the in-laws and all of that nonsense, but for your future children. Who do you want to help you raise them? Who do you want to influence them? Marriage isn't for you. It’s not about you. Marriage is about the person you married.”

It was in that very moment that I knew that Kim was the right person person to marry. I realized that I wanted to make her happy; to see her smile every day, to make her laugh every day. I wanted to be a part of her family, and my family wanted her to be a part of ours. And thinking back on all the times I had seen her play with my nieces, I knew that she was the one with whom I wanted to build our own family.

My father’s advice was both shocking and revelatory. It went against the grain of today’s “Walmart philosophy”, which is if it doesn't make you happy, you can take it back and get a new one.

No, a true marriage (and true love) is never about you. It’s about the person you love—their wants, their needs, their hopes, and their dreams. Selfishness demands, “What’s in it for me?”, while Love asks, “What can I give?”

Some time ago, my wife showed me what it means to love selflessly. For many months, my heart had been hardening with a mixture of fear and resentment. Then, after the pressure had built up to where neither of us could stand it, emotions erupted. I was callous. I was selfish.

But instead of matching my selfishness, Kim did something beyond wonderful—she showed an outpouring of love. Laying aside all of the pain and anguish I had caused her, she lovingly took me in her arms and soothed my soul.

I realized that I had forgotten my dad’s advice. While Kim’s side of the marriage had been to love me, my side of the marriage had become all about me. This awful realization brought me to tears, and I promised my wife that I would try to be better.

To all who are reading this article—married, almost married, single, or even the sworn bachelor or bachelorette—I want you to know that marriage isn't for you. No true relationship of love is for you. Love is about the person you love.

And, paradoxically, the more you truly love that person, the more love you receive. And not just from your significant other, but from their friends and their family and thousands of others you never would have met had your love remained self-centered.

Truly, love and marriage isn't for you. It’s for others.