The Marriage Bed is Undefiled!

An age old question within the Christian community is “what defiles the marriage bed?”. In this blog, I seek to answer that question and shed some light from a biblical perspective on what I believe that actually means. Now, I will base this on my understanding of scripture but I ask you to challenge me and open up dialogue if your interpretation of the scripture deviates from mine.

To full understand this, we need to look at marriage in its original form. I love the wedding ceremony, the wedding reception, the wedding cake, the speeches and all that other good stuff that we have brought into the modern idea of marriage but these things are the niceties. They are the trimmings, the side dish, the complementary elements to a marriage. In fact, I will go as far as to say that in modern society we put so much more emphasis on the wedding day than the actual marriage itself.

Marriage in its original form is a covenant, a contract between two families (I will simplify this later) that binds a couple together.

From the research I have been conducting on the marriages of old, I can see that it consisted of three parts.

• The marriage contract
• The act of marriage (consummation)
• The wedding feast 

In the days of old, there was no such thing as a marriage certificate, but the bible tells us that people were given and taken in marriage. As early as Genesis 2 we are told “this explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one”.

The earliest account of a marriage certificate I can find is 1837 in England when civil registration was introduced to provide a central record of all births, deaths and marriages.

This was obviously not the beginning of the institution of marriage, rather a system to track and record all marriages that they may be legalized in accordance to the law of the land in which they took place.

The first clear record we have of the ancient marriage is that of Isaac to Rebekah. The first part, the marriage contract, took place when Abrahams servant found Rebekah, put the gave her the gold ring for her nose and bracelets for her wrists and went to explain to her family what had happened. During this conversation, a verbal agreement was made that the Rebekah would be given to Isaac as his wife. The agreement was sealed with the giving of expensive gifts to her family.

The second part, the act of marriage, took place when Rebekah returned with Abrahams servant to Negev. In Genesis 24:67 it says that “and Isaac brought Rebekah into his mother Sarah’s tent, and she became his wife. He loved her deeply, and she was a special comfort to him after the death of his mother”.

Although there is no recording of the wedding feast for Rebekah and Isaac, it was customary and what was culturally done.

I apologize for the long introduction but I wanted to drive home that what we consider marriage to be today is different to what the bible considers marriage to be. We have trivialized the most important part of these 3 steps, we have made it cheap and use it to sell products and whatever else we can. We have allowed our youth to be sold a lie that it can happen with no strings attached and it can be done with whoever you want whenever you want as long as they consent. Let me clear this up and state that all we have come to know is a lie. Sex, intercourse, bumping uglies or whatever you want to call it, is the act of marriage and it is a sacred act. It is not something that should be entered into lightly and it should not be something that is trivialized.

So back to the topic of this blog, what defiles the marriage bed? Well if we are considering sex as the act of marriage, where sex is an act where a covenant (contract) between the two participants and God is sealed through the shedding of blood (breaking of the hymen), then we are asking what act can defile this. I am of the opinion that the only act that can defile the act of marriage is an act that defiles that covenant. When you enter into a marriage 2 individuals have joined together to become one and then that one is united with God. A perfect union between two parties who have become one flesh and a triune God, a perfect symphony.

How does one defile this covenant? Well one does not defile the covenant by what the individuals do with their bodies (consensually), because we are told in 1 Corinthians 7:4 “the wife gives authority over her body to her husband, and the husband gives authority over his body to his wife”. What I infer from this is that what a husband and wife choose to do consensually with their bodies is between the two of them as they have given each other authority over their bodies. So this throws out the notion that sexual acts such as oral sex, anal sex or any other sexual act between a consenting husband and wife can defile the marriage bed. When we look at the songs of Solomon we see the use of language such as “I sit in his delightful shade and taste his delicious fruit” (Songs of Solomon 2:3) or “Your thighs shelter a paradise of pomegranates with rare spices – henna with nard, nard and saffron, fragrant calamus and cinnamon, with all the trees of frankincense, myrrh, and aloes, and every other lovely spice. You are a garden fountain, a well of fresh water streaming down from Lebanon’s mountains. Awake, north wind! Rise up, south wind! Blow on my garden and spread its fragrance all around. Come into your garden, my love; taste its finest fruits” (Songs of Solomon 4:13 – 16).

God has designed the act of marriage for our pleasure, not just for procreation. If that were its sole purpose then you may as well close up shop once you have however many children you plan on having. You may as well class yourselves as roommates and ask Sheldon Cooper for a copy of his roommate agreement.

Read the songs of Solomon and see how Solomon and his lover explored and enjoyed each other’s bodies. Their passion was unrivalled; just read this part, “I caught and held him tightly, then I brought him to my mother’s house, into my mother’s bed, where I had been conceived” (Songs of Solomon 3:4). As they say today, they were getting it in! I don’t know about you but I don’t think passion has ever over taken me so much that I would take my wife into my mother and fathers bed. I may be a freak but I am not stupid!

Song of Solomon tells us an amazing love story, with deep sexual intimacy, passion and lust for each other. I doubt they left much to the imagination when they were intimate so that to me says that there is no act that a husband and wife can commit with their bodies that defiles the covenant. So what it is?

Well, when we are in breach of contract what does it mean? It means we have broken the terms of our agreement. We have gone outside the rules we stipulated when we made our agreement. So when we defile our covenant with God (our contract with God) we do this by going outside of our agreement of the marriage contract.

The bible tells us in Deuteronomy 4:23 “So be careful not to break the covenant the Lord your God has made with you. Do not make idols of any shape or form, for the Lord your God has forbidden this. The Lord your God is a devouring fire; he is a jealous God”.

You see the act of marriage is an act of worship unto God. I can just picture the faces of the men as the read this now, making a mental note of just that part so they can use it over and over again… “Baby, let’s go upstairs and worship the Lord together”. Anyway, as I was saying, it is an act of worship onto God. When we engage in sex we remind God of our covenant that we made when we took our vows, we remind him that we joined ourselves with him and invited him into our united lives to live and walk with us together as one. In the scripture above it is reminding the Israelites not to take up idols in place of God. In the next chapter we get the 10 commandments and commandment number 1 is “you will have no other god but me”. You see if the Israelites took on another god, they would be in breach of their covenant (contract) because they have invited another individual in to unlawfully substitute in for God. My friends the one act that defiles and breaks our covenant with God is an act where we willfully invite a 3^rd party into our covenant with God. We break the perfect union God has created to make an uneven union. To spell it out, the acts that I believe defile the marriage bed are:

·      Adultery

·      Threesomes

·      Bestiality

·      Any act that brings another party into the act of marriage

In the 10 commandments the only commandments relating to marriage that God gave was “you must not commit adultery” and “you must not covet your neighbor’s wife”. In essence God is saying to the husband and wife, go ahead and enjoy each other to the fullest but by no means break your agreement with each other or me by engaging in the act of marriage with anyone else.

God desires worship from us, so God wants us to enjoy each other and make beautiful worship with our bodies in the act of marriage. I implore you love each other, make love to each other, worship God with your bodies and most of all enjoy each other to the fullest, but all within the confines of your covenant with our holy God.

Let no man or woman come between you and your covenant with God. Let no man or woman tell you what is permissible within the four walls of your home and within your act of marriage; that is between you and God.

God bless you all.

She Completes Me

Over the last few days I have battled with a deep sense of despair, a feeling of darkness, a weight on my heart that felt like a thousand chariots pulling me in different directions. It was a feeling that felt like my heart and soul were being hung drawn and quartered.

Unlike most people, I live life as a open book and therefore have no reservations about sharing the source of my pain and anguish. The truth is though I am a happily married man I still battle with many insecurities that stem from my youth.

Being a skinny guy growing up, I've always been self conscious wishing that I had a bigger frame, the Adonis frame like those of cartoon idols like He-man, Lion-o etc (don't judge me, its all I had to relate to at that age). Don't get me wrong, over the years I have come to appreciate my body but like most people I still have my times when I am feeling sorry for myself. To top this off, I also have my emotional and psychological insecurities to deal with.

Being raised in the church from a young age, I was always taught that sex comes after marriage so while my peers got their rocks off so to speak, I lived with an intense urge to do the same; but a fear that it was displeasing to God (which I can't complain about) and also a fear that if I did I would get the girl pregnant and then would have some sort of tie with her for the rest of my life. The latter scared me to death and I think it was probably the main reason I kept it in my pants!
So, when faced with this sort of challenge what does a teenage boy do? You guessed it, I turned to pornography and developed an addiction to it that followed me well into my adult years and into my marriage. It came with guilt, disgust, self loathing, self hatred, shame and fear. These are my demons, these are the insecurities are the scars I carry and the battle I face constantly.

My feeling of despair came from a single thought, the thought that my wife of 10 years will one day lose interest in me. The thought that the woman that I have been with for almost 17 years, a woman who, later this year, I will have known for half of my life will one day decide that she can't deal with my battle with myself and will want out.
That feeling ripped through me like 1000 volts of electricity and it tore me apart. It left me spiralling down considering all the possible scenarios, the conversations, the impact on the children, how I would begin to rebuild my life etc. Needless to say, I was over thinking the whole thing but isn't that how it starts? In the same way that the bible says with faith like a mustard seed we can move mountains (Matt 17:20) I believe that a seed of doubt that is planted can grow into a mighty tree with many branches and deep roots.

My seed of doubt had me thinking that this woman who has been with me through thick and thin, who has fought by my side, comforted me when I cried, prayed with me, bore children for me and put her trust in me and submitted herself to me would forsake me. The woman who knows my deepest fears, the woman who knows my shame and has loved me through it all, the woman who encouraged me to stand up for myself in life and fight for the things I want, the woman who supports all my dreams and makes me believe that I can do everything I set my mind to, the woman who truly completes me.

Being the woman that she is, she noticed a change in my behaviour and she gave me a little space before coming to talk to me and find out what was bothering me. When I relayed to her how I felt, my sense of feeling unattractive, feeling as though my past experiences with pornography had tainted me, left me feeling as though I was perverted, feeling ashamed of my past, scared that these feelings left me worried that I would fail as a husband and a father ultimately resulting in me losing her and the children, she held me and reminded me that she loved me, she was still attracted to me and she said she was proud of me. She said, lets take these things to God in prayer and she apologised for not telling me these things more often.

So why do I say she completes me, well she looks at everything that I look at negatively in a completely different light. My history with pornography that spanned 2 decades left me broken but with her support and the grace of God I am learning that my experience has not destroyed me, instead it is helping me to speak out to other men, fathers and husbands who are still struggling with pornography. She was not pleased by my confession but she was not disgusted, she did not hit the roof, she wanted to understand how it began, when I felt most vulnerable, how often and why. She acted with compassion and love.
She sees me a being brave because I was willing to be vulnerable and expose my secret to her and to anyone who my story can help to overcome their addiction. She completes me because she takes my fears and she helps me to see past them. When I am at my lowest, she is there to pick me up and remind me of who I am and where I am going. She is always concerned about the part she plays in my confidence, my state of being and my happiness.

During my daily reading, I revisited Proverbs 31 and there were parts that described exactly how I feel about my wife's character. Verse 10 to 12 says:
"Her husband can trust her, and she will greatly enrich his life. She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life."
Verse 26 to 29 says:
"When she speaks her words are wise, and she gives instruction with kindness. She carefully watches everything in her household and suffers nothing from laziness. Her children stand and bless her. Her husband praises her: there are many virtuous and capable women in the world but you surpass them all! "

The actions of my wife in my time of despair show me that she is a woman of virtue. She shows concern for her household and spends time fasting and praying for her family. She sacrifices daily so that I can pursue my career and so our daughters can experience the best childhood possible. She puts the needs of others before her own needs. A trait which makes her extremely attractive and sexy in my eyes.

A successful Christian marriage honours and praises God. It is a true reflection of trinity. 3 becoming 1 as part of a covenant. a 3 strand chord that cannot be broken easily. Success comes from a willingness to be open with each other, being truly vulnerable to each other and loving each other unconditionally. My wife proves to me constantly how much she loves my by accepting my past failings and encouraging me that even if I have blips in my victory, she will be there to pick me up and help me find my way back. Her actions in turn make me love her more, wanting to be the best I can be for her, wanting to give her everything she deserves and more, wanting to be the best provider I can be and wanting to truly exemplify a biblical love for her that surpasses human understanding.

I guess the main reason she completes me is because she has a relationship with our mutual mediator. She takes things to God and is willing to seek a biblical perspective to the challenges we face. She seeks to communicate with me no matter how difficult the situation or how immature I am behaving (I am a work in progress).

My hope is that every man will be as fortunate as I am to find that person that was created to complete him. Don't settle for the things that this world gives; instead dare to want more and look for the person God has fashioned for you. Look for that woman who knows you inside out, the woman who knows what you are saying even when you are silent, the woman who will protect and care for you at your lowest points, the woman you would do anything for, the woman you want to give everything to and who wants to give everything to you.

For those out there who are yet to find a life partner, I will leave you with this, Proverbs 31:30 - 31:
"Charm is deceptive, and beauty does not last; but a woman who fears the Lord will be greatly praised. Reward her for all she has done. Let her deeds publicly declare her praise."

Marriage - God's Original Plan

I believe that God has an intention for everything. God is not random or sporadic, that is a trait that can only attributed to human beings. With this in mind I wanted to start this journey into the world of marriage by looking at it right from the beginning, the first couple in the bible and the first husband and wife. The first couple that were unique and special, having no human father or mother but being the man being created from the dust of the earth and his wife from him. Going back to this original root will give us insight into God’s original intention for this institution that is called marriage.

To set the scene, God had created many creatures and presented them to the man to see what he would call them, now this was not God testing the waters to see if he could make something that was compatible to man, he was creating the beasts and creatures of the earth and allowing the man to name them thus giving him dominion over them as was the original plan of God. When it came to making the man a suitable mate/helper, God did not go back to the dust from which he made man, he went to the man that he had made and took out a part of him and made woman from this part of the man. I find this to be a very significant act. Starting with God’s intent, he sought to make the man a suitable helper (Genesis 2:18). I think the translation into English loses the beauty of the text and the richness of what God was doing here. The phrase translated to ‘suitable helper’ is ‘ezer neged’. Ezer means one who helps, succor (a person or thing that brings help, relief, aid or assistance). Neged is from the root word nagad which means to tell, to declare or to make known. When you look at the meaning of these two words you find that ‘suitable helper’ does not do justice to the text. Ezer is a word that contextually is always used in reference to the help from God; for example the name Eliezer means God is my help and every other use of the word ezer expresses God helping the nation of Israel or someone declaring that their help is from God. So looking at this phrase ‘ezer neged’ I can only infer that God created the woman as someone who would make it known that his/their help is from God. Someone who will proclaim and declare with him that God is their help. To me that sounds like an amazing role for this woman that God has created. It does not incite subordination or express a lower, servant or secondary role in the relationship. God made man in his image and as he took woman out of man it is fair to say that woman was made in the image of God. I put to you that God is not shallow and fickle like humans are and would therefore not favor one image of himself over another. To be honest, there is no text in the bible that places a woman in a lesser role to a man, that is our own doing and it is something I perceive to be done by insecure and weak men. People tend to quote Ephesians 5:22-23 but they fail to continue reading 24 - 33. The rest of the text talks about how the wives are subject to their husbands as the church is subject to Christ. We as a church strive to be ‘Christ like’ that is what the definition of a Christian is. So naturally a woman strives to be like her husband. I know you may be wondering what that means; how can she be like a man? Men should be submitted unto God, so wives seeking to be like their husbands should also be submitted unto God. The scripture goes on to put a lot of responsibility on the man. Love your wife as Christ loves the church; this is a tough one. If you imagine what we as a church do to God, how we turn our back on him and how we ignore his leadership, take him for granted but yet he still loves us and calls us his own and by his name. To me this gives the woman liberty to commit a multitude of sin and we are expected to love her as Christ loves the church meaning we must be gracious, forgiving and love unconditionally. Now men out there will be thinking “how unfair” but lets remember, the earlier verses highlight that a woman should be subject to her husband as the church is to Christ and we concluded that as he strives to be like Christ, so should she. If she is submitted in this capacity her actions should be mimicking his and she should be gracious, forgiving and love unconditionally. It doesn't sound so bad now does it?

God’s original picture for marriage is an amazing one. One where the man and woman are in service to each other out of love and not any ordinary love, one that mirrors that agape love of Christ. To me, it is why our covenant is not a 2 person covenant. We need God in that covenant to allow us to show this love that we are called to show. Remembering that this is now a two way street, we are called to:

• Love each other as Christ loved the church and gave himself for it
• Sanctify, cleanse and wash each other  by the living water of the word of God
• Love each other like we love our own bodies

It says these are the reasons for which a man shall leave his mother and father and be joined to his wife and the two of them shall become one body.

Men, if you complain that your wife does not respect you, or uses you as a dogs body or treats you in a particular way, then I ask you; have you looked at how you treat her lately? Have you looked at your relationship with God? Women, the same question can be asked of you. God’s original plan for marriage is much more than what it has been reduced to in modern society.

Going back to Genesis, we see that God took a rib from the man and from this he fashioned woman.

Genesis 2:21 - So the Lord caused the man to fall into a deep sleep. While the man slept the Lord God to out one of the man’s ribs (tsela - pronounced tsay-law meaning side) and closed up the opening.

What is the function of the rib? Well the rib creates a protective cage around the vital organs of the thorax i.e. the lungs and the heart. The protective cage allows the lungs to expand thus facilitates breathing.

God could have picked any bone in Adam’s body but he went for this bone for a reason. I believe it was to demonstrate the responsibility of a wife (and a husband - remember we should mirror each other). The woman is created to protect the heart of her man, and to be at his side - not in front of him or behind him. She should be beside him because she was taken out of his side. Too often we see examples where a man dictates to a woman and attempts to stamp his authority on her. We also see the inverse of this where a man is subordinated by his woman and she stamps her authority on him. These are dysfunctional examples of marriage. That was not the original design and nor is it an appropriate alternative to the design. It causes nothing but pain and hurt in a relationship. It creates resentment and it does not reflect the picture of the trinity that marriage should. Allow me to paint a picture for you. Imagine a triangle, at the base there are 2 points and at the top there is one. No matter how you turn this triangle around that design remains factual and true. Well our marriage is that triangle; the man and the woman are the points at the base and God is the point at the top. The two base points are on the same level, none is higher than the other otherwise the triangle becomes unstable and at all times the point at the top is holding it together.

The rib cage is such a beautiful design and its function is something that can only be described as amazing. It expands and contracts in line with the lungs to keep them protected in the process of breathing. Breaking the ribs puts the lungs, the heart and fundamentally life at risk. That’s what a woman is to her man. His rib, she protects him as he performs his function. Breaking her would result in him being unable to function correctly and will result in a life lost, maybe not physically but I believe spiritually and emotionally.

The significance of that bone is expressed here:

Genesis 2:22 - 24 - Then the Lord God made woman from the rib and he brought her to the man. “At last!” the man exclaimed. “This one is bone of my bone and flesh from my flesh! She will be called ‘woman’ because she is taken from ‘man.’”

This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.

She is the part of him that was taken out and she is therefore required to complete him. Your wife is not a random person you just happen to be going through life with, she is that missing piece of the jigsaw. That bit of lego that you have been looking for so that you can complete the structure you were trying to build. She is that integral part that holds the structure together. Likewise for the woman, you are that part that was taken from a man and you need each other to be complete. I am not telling you to lose your individuality; that is what makes you you. I am telling you that you were made as a perfect fit for someone and that you should not settle for anything that doesn't feel like a fit. I am not telling you that marriage will be easy and perfect; I am saying that because you were designed to complete each other you will have the tools you need to work with each other and God to make your marriage successfully. Your marriage was designed to bear fruit in many forms (children, love, intimacy etc) but how can it do so if you are inadequately equipped to do so? Society has placed emphasis on things like sexual compatibility and financial stability and blah blah blah. That is what it all is; noise. God’s design is one of those simple things that works so well. A man, a woman and God working together to create something beautiful. Of course you need to be physically attracted to each other, but sex was the contract, that was sealing the deal so the notion of knowing that you are compatible prior to marriage is a misnomer. That is the beauty of marriage, you work at that throughout your marriage and talk and experiment with each other. You have a long life together so you have a lot of time to learn and get it to a point where you both derive pleasure. As long as your intent is for the pleasure of your spouse and not for your own selfish release, then you have a great springboard for an amazing sexual relationship within the safe confines of marriage.

I watched a program on National Geographic Discovery which explored sexual attraction and it proved that in today's society status, career and financial stability made a man more attractive. This was so extreme that a man that was originally rated a 2 on looks alone suddenly became a 10 when given the profile of a successful man. On the flip side, a man given a 9 on looks alone was downgraded to a 4 when he was given the profile of a retail assistant. This is proof that we have lost the plot when it comes to finding a suitable mate. That’s why I love God’s original intent for marriage in creating a suitable companion to declare that their help is from God. Our current approach leads to marriages where women are financially taken care of but emotionally, sexually, mentally and spiritually they are poor. A man has the most beautiful woman on his arm because he is financially stable, yet she is not attracted to him physically, he seeks refuge in all manners of escape from pornography to prostitution and alcohol. Their marriage is a sham and they are both unhappy, alone and dissatisfied with what they have in life. This is what marriage looks like in today’s society, not for everyone, but for a vast majority it is an unfulfilled area of their life which is the complete opposite of how it should be. Life should spring forth from your marriage and it should spill forth into every other area of your life. Your marriage and your home is your first ministry. I will boldly say that if your marriage and home is not working but you are in ministry, you need to take yourself out of ministry and take care of home. God has no desire for any marriage to fail; how can he? It is a picture of the trinity and a failed marriage is saying that the trinity can fail which I also boldly proclaim cannot ever happen. There is no shame in saying, I need to step down to sort my marriage and my home out. Your marriage and your home will teach a future generation how marriage should be, it is a soap box for marriage to those who are dating or single. Let’s understand the expectations on us from a biblical perspective. Do away with the foolish man made expectations of marriage and look back to the original design. Only in that picture will you find what God intended for you. Only then will you see what marriage was created to be and how you can truly be fulfilled in it.

I love the way that this is rounded up in Genesis 2:25 - Now, the man and his wife were both naked, but they felt no shame.

From the outset God lays out his blueprint for man and woman. A relationship of intimacy where two people are united to become one. I believe this speaks on nakedness on all possible levels in a marriage. Physically, spiritually, mentally and emotionally.

How many men and women can say that their spouse knows their deepest darkest fear? I mean this is something we don’t share with anyone but I believe we are supposed to share this with our spouse. The bible says we are united as one flesh so keeping something from your spouse is like keeping something from yourself. It’s not possible, unless you suffer some kind of emotional trauma and your mind locks a memory away. There is no way that anyone can knowingly keep something from themselves. The level of intimacy required in marriage is extensive and it takes a willingness to be truly vulnerable to do so. Once again I challenge you that if you have truly taken marriage on in the capacity that it was originally designed, then your vulnerability is like unto yourself. You and your spouse are one flesh and there should be no shame when facing yourself.

I make it a point to send my wife a message of how much I love her and cherish her each day. I text her about how she makes me feel and how intimate I desire to be with her. I lay it all on the line with her exposing my thoughts and my cares so I have nowhere to hide from her.  I want to be vulnerable and I want her to have the power to hurt me, not because I want to be hurt but because in trusting her with that power I demonstrate that I am giving my all to her and giving completely of who I am. I always tell people I am an open book and I do not hide a thing but I try and take this as far as possible with my wife because she is my rib, my missing jigsaw piece.

Today I challenge you to reassess your view of marriage, whether you are married already, dating or single. 

I am reminded of an email my sister sent me which says “marriage is not for you” and it truly isn't. Marriage is for your spouse because you were created to complete them. Take this view point of marriage and remember God’s original design for this wonderful institution. I will leave you with the email that I received from my sister as I believe the message is beautiful!

God bless!

Marriage Isn't For You

Having been married only a year and a half, I've recently come to the conclusion that marriage isn't for me.

Now before you start making assumptions, keep reading.

I met my wife in high school when we were 15 years old. We were friends for ten years until…until we decided no longer wanted to be just friends.  I strongly recommend that best friends fall in love. Good times will be had by all.

Nevertheless, falling in love with my best friend did not prevent me from having certain fears and anxieties about getting married. The nearer Kim and I approached the decision to marry, the more I was filled with a paralyzing fear. Was I ready? Was I making the right choice? Was Kim the right person to marry? Would she make me happy?

Then, one fateful night, I shared these thoughts and concerns with my dad.

Perhaps each of us have moments in our lives when it feels like time slows down or the air becomes still and everything around us seems to draw in, marking that moment as one we will never forget.

My dad giving his response to my concerns was such a moment for me. With a knowing smile he said, “Seth, you’re being totally selfish. So I’m going to make this really simple: marriage isn't for you. You don’t marry to make yourself happy, you marry to make someone else happy. More than that, your marriage isn't for yourself, you’re marrying for a family. Not just for the in-laws and all of that nonsense, but for your future children. Who do you want to help you raise them? Who do you want to influence them? Marriage isn't for you. It’s not about you. Marriage is about the person you married.”

It was in that very moment that I knew that Kim was the right person person to marry. I realized that I wanted to make her happy; to see her smile every day, to make her laugh every day. I wanted to be a part of her family, and my family wanted her to be a part of ours. And thinking back on all the times I had seen her play with my nieces, I knew that she was the one with whom I wanted to build our own family.

My father’s advice was both shocking and revelatory. It went against the grain of today’s “Walmart philosophy”, which is if it doesn't make you happy, you can take it back and get a new one.

No, a true marriage (and true love) is never about you. It’s about the person you love—their wants, their needs, their hopes, and their dreams. Selfishness demands, “What’s in it for me?”, while Love asks, “What can I give?”

Some time ago, my wife showed me what it means to love selflessly. For many months, my heart had been hardening with a mixture of fear and resentment. Then, after the pressure had built up to where neither of us could stand it, emotions erupted. I was callous. I was selfish.

But instead of matching my selfishness, Kim did something beyond wonderful—she showed an outpouring of love. Laying aside all of the pain and anguish I had caused her, she lovingly took me in her arms and soothed my soul.

I realized that I had forgotten my dad’s advice. While Kim’s side of the marriage had been to love me, my side of the marriage had become all about me. This awful realization brought me to tears, and I promised my wife that I would try to be better.

To all who are reading this article—married, almost married, single, or even the sworn bachelor or bachelorette—I want you to know that marriage isn't for you. No true relationship of love is for you. Love is about the person you love.

And, paradoxically, the more you truly love that person, the more love you receive. And not just from your significant other, but from their friends and their family and thousands of others you never would have met had your love remained self-centered.

Truly, love and marriage isn't for you. It’s for others.